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No point in numbering these things, they’re dated after all.

It has been quite a busy summer of late. Little freetime and too much to do, yet I find myself much to demotivated to step up to even half those challenges. For the past weeks I’ve slept away the days I’m not working, leaving no space for anything of meaning or enjoyment. As that is I’ve of course failed to continue this self-experimentation.

Lately I’ve been feeling empty. The emptiness takes away my will to do anything. I have no interest in anything and the disinterest is killing me. At least there are some good things, I’ve moved on from my obsession. I still bump into her at concerts though and every time I do it feels like all the work I’ve done towards myself turns to nothing and I no longer wish to continue life, that feeling however passes in a day or two.

Lately I’ve gotten back into the music of Agalloch and have come to appreciate their Pale Folklore album much more. The lyrics on it are astounding and the musicianship absolutely wonderful, even though some transitions sound a little fucked up.

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Beneath at Húrra with Blood Feud, Misþyrming, Grit Teeth & Stoic. (22/05/2014)

The night started off with Stoic, a band that was so uninteresting that I hardly remember it 7 hours later. I remember thinking to myself that the musicianship belonged to death metal, but it was flat and uninteresting and the singer reminded me of 90’s grunge. Which is never a good thing.

Second on stage was Grit Teeth a grindcore/Hardcore-punk band. A type of music I typically don’t like at all, but they surprised me. I found myself shaking my head to their music and actually quite enjoying it. This type of music not being my cup of tea I wont go into describing them as I do not feel suited to do so.
https://gritteeth.bandcamp.com/releases

Third on stage was Misþyrming, an Icelandic black metal band. That shoved the crowd into a world of chaos, where no light could ever come near. Their music as heavy as it was led with a style that reminded me of old Enslaved (of all things). It was a wonderful experience as well as horrid. Their music is a complex piece of art that I now must hear again.
https://misthyrming.bandcamp.com/releases

Then there was Blood Feud. A grand disappointment. I have their old album Hiding Behind The Light. Back then I loved this band, as much as I could love a death/thrash metal band that is. Now with one of the members replaced it feels empty and boring. That which made them unique is gone and what made them unique was how well they seemed to click together.

Last on stage was Beneath. I was rather displeased by the new singer to begin with, but tonight he felt engaging and brutal. Their performance last night was nothing short of amazing. The pit went nuts, someone got cut real bad there was blood everywhere it seemed. All the while we were hammered with this brutal technical death metal, that felt both engaging and interesting. Very unlike most tech-death where you loose interest at the 30th tempo change.

Futile

What is it we leave behind?
Is it our loved ones and kin, our children?
Is it our deeds, our creation?

All we leave is infinitesimal.
A footprint, in the desert of time.
Something that exists and is remembered for but a moment
Then turns to dust, as all else must.

So what is left?
What do we amount to?
Does our legacy matter?

In the grand spectrum,
nothing is left,
we don’t matter.
So let it all burn to ash.
Let your ideas of being remembered wash away
Focus not on the future nor the past.
For what is now is all there truly is.
What we do now controls what will be.

We live, we die.
Do what you want, when you want.
Because in Death there is nothing.

#13

Years ago if someone had told me that my worst moments would be the mornings I would never have believed them. Now however I do. I awake every morning from nightmares/terrors or the broken hope of being alone. Today I was stuck to my bed, in misery listening to music. Trying as I could to get the motivation for simply standing up. I have the week off so I don’t need to..

As is often the case I lay there thinking, of what is, what was and what could be. Of why and how and if I should even bother any more. A dangerous but unavoidable train of thought. So I wallowed and did nothing and in a relatively short time (4 hours or so) I felt nothing, wanted nothing, but I needed everything. Emptiness ensued so black that the only light was so distant and so out of reach that I couldn’t be motivated to try. With that I fell asleep again. Woke up 20 minutes ago and it’s 5 pm.  I have amounted to nothing and am not even motivated enough to spell check.

I hate vacation, no purpose means no reason to get up.

Nothing left of this empty shell.

An empty shell of a being
Breathing but not living
Not a single point I’m seeing
to continue existing

A world that no longer cares
bleak, unrelenting
my soul-less husk burns
nothing left, nothing remaining

I dance on the precipice
of sanity, of life
I stare down into the abyss
one stroke of a knife

I teeter on the edge
cannot stand it all
I wish to jump this ledge
the void, I hear it’s call

Let it end, let it be done
let the earth open and swallow me
let this one, become none
I no longer wish to be

The tears they stream
the blood wells
as if entering a hazy dream
filled with vast oceans and dells

The world beyond was only a lie
I lay broken and slowly I fade
into the nothingness, but I reach back.
Again I’ve escaped that which I yearn.

#12

We are nothing, shoved into this uncaring world that reminds us of that fact. No matter what I accomplish I have no drive any more. I’m sitting here typing this because I realize, I cannot dump this on my friends it would be unfair to them. My existence is yet again threatened by an overbearing presence of nothingness.

Last night I enjoyed myself a little, for the first time in months. Today it’s as if it’s drained everything from me, I’m stressed over exams I’m completely beat down and I’m not sure if I want to continue life.. Last week I was hospitalized and put in a mental ward because of an attempted suicide. I might still be coming down I don’t really know. All I know is that I have no interest in anything right now. While I should be studying, while I should probably socialize I am left here sitting, writing for no more reason but to write. Hence the jumble. That was after all the purpose of this blog, to help me write down what I feel and how in an anonymous manner in whatever form I choose. At this moment everything is bleak, nothing is as is.

I’ve been told before, that I should find one thing I’m good at. Quite a funny solution to be honest. What does it matter that I can do something, when I have neither a will to do it or do anything in fact.. Why not find one reason to hold on to life itself. I’m droning through my education at the moment, which is hard and occupies my time efficiently, it does nothing to the void however. It’s always there when I come home, when I’m laying in bed looking at the sky change, waiting and waiting for yet another dawn. Sleep usually doesn’t come naturally, I just lay there for hours waiting. Eyes closed, doing nothing but think. Realizing that all my thoughts do is remind me of my past. As depression more often than not is rooted in ones past, I have decided to talk about it here, a past I haven’t spoken about plainly to anyone as I’ve never felt it should be spoken about, yet for the sake of anominity there will be not a single name nor gender, nor age.

I was born into a family that had just declared bankruptcy. I grew up with a disabled sybling. It was all rather normal, I was a runt had a lisp and was of course teased as a result. As far as I remember I do not remember any point of happiness. My sybling died while I was too young to understand death, the following week of said death was followed by my encounter with the idea of inexistence.
After my loss I was teased by my school mates about my sibling being dead, I know children are cruel but that’s just borderline evil. Being the runt I was the target. Through the entirety of my school I was depressed, I made friends but it turned out that was just another joke, get close and humiliate me. That went on for half a decade. Through it all I had no reason to go on, yet I did. Some years pass and I’m a loner, I had 1 friend a friend I still have to this day. Start using narcotics to numb myself from the world, stop using after watching my crush overdose. I meet this girl and we start dating first time I experience happiness in about 10 years. First time I feel a reason to get up in the morning. GF was mentally abusive the whole time, I only realize that now that the bliss is worn off. That went on for 5 years, the happiest I’ve felt, but still suicidally depressed 90% of the time. By the time I turned 20 I had lost count of how many attempts of suicide I’ve made. Got dumped, sitting here writing this. Scars everywhere, well over half because of myself. Through my teenage years I got in fights a lot. I got held down, burned, cut, beaten and broken. I have 1 rib that hasn’t been broken and some with multiple fractures. Through this all I was able to hide it, from my teachers, from my parents, from everyone. College comes, I make a new friend. Today I’m in university, still have those 2 friends and am thankful for it. Every person around me feels fake. I have fewer happy moments than I care for, and right now I’m sick of it all, but I’m too much of a wimp and pushover to end it, so I know I wont. I always bitch out right before the end.

End of rant and opening up. Doubt it will ever happen again, and never with a name.

Dauði & Djöfull í Hafnarfirði 1. & 2. Maí

This wonderful concert spanned a total of 2 nights, the first night being death metal the second black metal. One of those times where I would’ve shouted sign me up from the rooftops.

May 1st.

The night was kicked off by the band Úlfun a rather new death metal band. They were a lovely surprise but as it happens to be quite often with death metal, and especially melodic death metal it got pretty dry. I enjoyed about half their songs, the other half flew by me and it just wasn’t my thing. The sound felt hollow and I remember thinking through the entirety of their performance that there was something missing. Second and last on stage was the band Aeterna with their progressive death metal. It wasn’t at all their best performance. The sound again felt off (could be the speakers), they completely lost me in their progressive bits and again I only enjoyed about half of their performance. The on stage charisma of the singer was non-existent which sometimes works out great but that time it really didn’t. Only one band member seemed to be enjoying himself, one of the guitarists and in all honesty he made the performance worth my time.

May 2nd

The night was started off by the band Skuggsjá, a relatively new band, which immediately showed their dominance. Starting with an atmospheric backtrack and then blasting you away with heavy riffs and drums, followed by vocals that are not of this earth. A wonderful performance all in all with numerous tempo changes that were on the verge of being overbearing. Unfortunately Skuggsjá haven’t released any material that I could share but here’s their Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Skuggsja?fref=ts Auðn took the stage next and as I have said before I love those guys. They started off with (if memory serves) the song Klerkaveldi and continued on playing most of their album and I completely lost it as Þjáning Heillar Þjóðar (the suffering of a nation) started playing. I don’t have anything bad to say about the entire affair, except that crowd participation was near nonexistent, but that can hardly be blamed on the band. I could go on in lengths of how and why I enjoy this band so much, but I’ll let a link suffice. I would like to hear something new from them though. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGqCzl5imCo Dynfari were the last on stage, they started off by lighting candles and incense. A rather strange beginning in my book but I rather liked it, it set a wonderful mood for their slow atmospheric black metal. I was captivated by their music and it inspired a certain state of bliss. Where I simply sat there and swayed to the music enjoying every bit of it. It felt like being swept into an empty void of nothing a state of perpetual numbness. It felt misanthropic and beautiful all at the same time. They closed the set with one of the songs from their first album called Vonleysi (lyrics below and link), but most of the set was comprised of songs from their new album Vegferð tímans. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyY4x5SXIxM

Vonleysi:
Þessar nætur
Svo endalausar
Safnist saman
Látnir draumar
Dauðar ástir
Brostnar vonir

Hyldýpi, nálgast
Umlykur, vonleysi

Ég hverf…
inn í fegurð tómleikans…

Rough translation:

Hopelessness:
These nights
Everlasting
Gather up
Dead dreams
Dead loves
Shattered hopes

The abyss, nears
Surrounds, hopelessness

I disappear..
Into the beauty of the emptiness..

Here’s a link to their new album: http://auralmusic.bandcamp.com/album/vegfer-t-mans