Years ago if someone had told me that my worst moments would be the mornings I would never have believed them. Now however I do. I awake every morning from nightmares/terrors or the broken hope of being alone. Today I was stuck to my bed, in misery listening to music. Trying as I could to get the motivation for simply standing up. I have the week off so I don’t need to..
As is often the case I lay there thinking, of what is, what was and what could be. Of why and how and if I should even bother any more. A dangerous but unavoidable train of thought. So I wallowed and did nothing and in a relatively short time (4 hours or so) I felt nothing, wanted nothing, but I needed everything. Emptiness ensued so black that the only light was so distant and so out of reach that I couldn’t be motivated to try. With that I fell asleep again. Woke up 20 minutes ago and it’s 5 pm. I have amounted to nothing and am not even motivated enough to spell check.
I hate vacation, no purpose means no reason to get up.