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No point in numbering these things, they’re dated after all.

It has been quite a busy summer of late. Little freetime and too much to do, yet I find myself much to demotivated to step up to even half those challenges. For the past weeks I’ve slept away the days I’m not working, leaving no space for anything of meaning or enjoyment. As that is I’ve of course failed to continue this self-experimentation.

Lately I’ve been feeling empty. The emptiness takes away my will to do anything. I have no interest in anything and the disinterest is killing me. At least there are some good things, I’ve moved on from my obsession. I still bump into her at concerts though and every time I do it feels like all the work I’ve done towards myself turns to nothing and I no longer wish to continue life, that feeling however passes in a day or two.

Lately I’ve gotten back into the music of Agalloch and have come to appreciate their Pale Folklore album much more. The lyrics on it are astounding and the musicianship absolutely wonderful, even though some transitions sound a little fucked up.

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#13

Years ago if someone had told me that my worst moments would be the mornings I would never have believed them. Now however I do. I awake every morning from nightmares/terrors or the broken hope of being alone. Today I was stuck to my bed, in misery listening to music. Trying as I could to get the motivation for simply standing up. I have the week off so I don’t need to..

As is often the case I lay there thinking, of what is, what was and what could be. Of why and how and if I should even bother any more. A dangerous but unavoidable train of thought. So I wallowed and did nothing and in a relatively short time (4 hours or so) I felt nothing, wanted nothing, but I needed everything. Emptiness ensued so black that the only light was so distant and so out of reach that I couldn’t be motivated to try. With that I fell asleep again. Woke up 20 minutes ago and it’s 5 pm.  I have amounted to nothing and am not even motivated enough to spell check.

I hate vacation, no purpose means no reason to get up.

#12

We are nothing, shoved into this uncaring world that reminds us of that fact. No matter what I accomplish I have no drive any more. I’m sitting here typing this because I realize, I cannot dump this on my friends it would be unfair to them. My existence is yet again threatened by an overbearing presence of nothingness.

Last night I enjoyed myself a little, for the first time in months. Today it’s as if it’s drained everything from me, I’m stressed over exams I’m completely beat down and I’m not sure if I want to continue life.. Last week I was hospitalized and put in a mental ward because of an attempted suicide. I might still be coming down I don’t really know. All I know is that I have no interest in anything right now. While I should be studying, while I should probably socialize I am left here sitting, writing for no more reason but to write. Hence the jumble. That was after all the purpose of this blog, to help me write down what I feel and how in an anonymous manner in whatever form I choose. At this moment everything is bleak, nothing is as is.

I’ve been told before, that I should find one thing I’m good at. Quite a funny solution to be honest. What does it matter that I can do something, when I have neither a will to do it or do anything in fact.. Why not find one reason to hold on to life itself. I’m droning through my education at the moment, which is hard and occupies my time efficiently, it does nothing to the void however. It’s always there when I come home, when I’m laying in bed looking at the sky change, waiting and waiting for yet another dawn. Sleep usually doesn’t come naturally, I just lay there for hours waiting. Eyes closed, doing nothing but think. Realizing that all my thoughts do is remind me of my past. As depression more often than not is rooted in ones past, I have decided to talk about it here, a past I haven’t spoken about plainly to anyone as I’ve never felt it should be spoken about, yet for the sake of anominity there will be not a single name nor gender, nor age.

I was born into a family that had just declared bankruptcy. I grew up with a disabled sybling. It was all rather normal, I was a runt had a lisp and was of course teased as a result. As far as I remember I do not remember any point of happiness. My sybling died while I was too young to understand death, the following week of said death was followed by my encounter with the idea of inexistence.
After my loss I was teased by my school mates about my sibling being dead, I know children are cruel but that’s just borderline evil. Being the runt I was the target. Through the entirety of my school I was depressed, I made friends but it turned out that was just another joke, get close and humiliate me. That went on for half a decade. Through it all I had no reason to go on, yet I did. Some years pass and I’m a loner, I had 1 friend a friend I still have to this day. Start using narcotics to numb myself from the world, stop using after watching my crush overdose. I meet this girl and we start dating first time I experience happiness in about 10 years. First time I feel a reason to get up in the morning. GF was mentally abusive the whole time, I only realize that now that the bliss is worn off. That went on for 5 years, the happiest I’ve felt, but still suicidally depressed 90% of the time. By the time I turned 20 I had lost count of how many attempts of suicide I’ve made. Got dumped, sitting here writing this. Scars everywhere, well over half because of myself. Through my teenage years I got in fights a lot. I got held down, burned, cut, beaten and broken. I have 1 rib that hasn’t been broken and some with multiple fractures. Through this all I was able to hide it, from my teachers, from my parents, from everyone. College comes, I make a new friend. Today I’m in university, still have those 2 friends and am thankful for it. Every person around me feels fake. I have fewer happy moments than I care for, and right now I’m sick of it all, but I’m too much of a wimp and pushover to end it, so I know I wont. I always bitch out right before the end.

End of rant and opening up. Doubt it will ever happen again, and never with a name.

#11

As of lately I haven’t written much. Been a rather busy time with tests and what not. It really isn’t helping that I’m drunk most of the time either.

A couple of days back I thought I’d beat this whole heartbreak crap but it turned out that was false. My dreams are nightmares or disappointments. Moments of joy that turn only to pain upon waking up. So I started drinking to try and numb it all, ended up in the hospital after drinking the equivalent of 3 bottles of vodka. Guess I’m going sober for a while now.

I went to a concert yesterday, which I’ll make a separate post about seeing as how it’s a 2 day thing.

Finals have just started so everything is now at an awful pace and I can’t seem to keep up. As I must though I’m trying to go day-by-day and my hopes of finding a reason for anything and everything have been crushed to the meaningless dust they truly are. So to sum up the past few days here’s a song that describes it near perfectly.

#10

Another day of dull, this town is dead. All one can do here is drink or drive to nearby towns for concerts, and those are only once or twice a weak. I have friends coming soon a truly welcome change. I have some who are near me, but there are very few who are dear to me. Coming to think of it a grand total of 3, 2 friends, people who’ve always offered me a hand when I need it. The 3rd is her despite it all.

I quit my anti-depressants, I couldn’t take sleeping 14 hours a day any more. So I’m experiencing quite a bit of mood swings, it should prove interesting.

I wrote down some ideas for my short stories and as is now my norm I’ll post it here in raw unedited form.

#9

 Endless World

We are but dust in the grand spectrum of the world, a particle. So in order to truly live we feel a need to create something bigger than ourselves, something permanent. Whether it’s martyrdom or a large family it’s always self-gratification. The need for existing past death, the same need that forced us to create gods. But now those creation pollute the mind and the idea has been twisted to serve the few instead of the many.

These were my thought of the day, as I thought how insignificant I am, how insignificant everyone is. That brought me to think of mythology, I was raised in a christian home, but I am an atheist that dispises all organized religions that seek monetary gain and/or misuse their followers, so naturally I hate the Icelandic governmental church. I really just needed to rant a little about religion.

I went to a concert yesterday, and today. Both of which were so bad that they do not deserve recognition. I’ve been feeling little to nothing, no dreams plague me and I honestly don’t know what’s worse, the pain or the numbness.

#8

I’m starting to want a reason to live, I guess it’s progress.. I still feel alone, abandoned and unloved, but at least I feel something. I’ve been going over my rather large collection of personal writing. Some of which are quite weird and disturbing, some I will be sharing here in coming days, some I already have. Decided to give in to the nostalgia and listen to a song that was a favourite of mine years ago.

“and if you go I want to go with you, and if you die I want to die with you.”

I however mentioned things I wrote when I was younger. I wrote this during a rough patch with my ex, years ago now when I started to get tired of being in 2nd place in everything, this is dated at 11.09.2011 (DD/MM/YYYY):

I gave up everything you ever asked me to
Yet you say to my face that I don’t love you enough
How much do I need to sacrifice?
You don’t sacrifice for me.

If I had female friends you’d panic
yet if you talk to all guys I just shouldn’t give a shit
Your paranoid mind seems to eat at you
But sometimes you forget it eats at me to.

If I’d die it’d all be over
no more pain no more gain
nothing for you
If I’d die it’d all be over
What should I do? Sacrifice myself to you
Sacrifice myself.

Life’s been slowly getting a little better, a positive fact, but I can’t get ahead of myself so I must continue day-by-day.