#12

We are nothing, shoved into this uncaring world that reminds us of that fact. No matter what I accomplish I have no drive any more. I’m sitting here typing this because I realize, I cannot dump this on my friends it would be unfair to them. My existence is yet again threatened by an overbearing presence of nothingness.

Last night I enjoyed myself a little, for the first time in months. Today it’s as if it’s drained everything from me, I’m stressed over exams I’m completely beat down and I’m not sure if I want to continue life.. Last week I was hospitalized and put in a mental ward because of an attempted suicide. I might still be coming down I don’t really know. All I know is that I have no interest in anything right now. While I should be studying, while I should probably socialize I am left here sitting, writing for no more reason but to write. Hence the jumble. That was after all the purpose of this blog, to help me write down what I feel and how in an anonymous manner in whatever form I choose. At this moment everything is bleak, nothing is as is.

I’ve been told before, that I should find one thing I’m good at. Quite a funny solution to be honest. What does it matter that I can do something, when I have neither a will to do it or do anything in fact.. Why not find one reason to hold on to life itself. I’m droning through my education at the moment, which is hard and occupies my time efficiently, it does nothing to the void however. It’s always there when I come home, when I’m laying in bed looking at the sky change, waiting and waiting for yet another dawn. Sleep usually doesn’t come naturally, I just lay there for hours waiting. Eyes closed, doing nothing but think. Realizing that all my thoughts do is remind me of my past. As depression more often than not is rooted in ones past, I have decided to talk about it here, a past I haven’t spoken about plainly to anyone as I’ve never felt it should be spoken about, yet for the sake of anominity there will be not a single name nor gender, nor age.

I was born into a family that had just declared bankruptcy. I grew up with a disabled sybling. It was all rather normal, I was a runt had a lisp and was of course teased as a result. As far as I remember I do not remember any point of happiness. My sybling died while I was too young to understand death, the following week of said death was followed by my encounter with the idea of inexistence.
After my loss I was teased by my school mates about my sibling being dead, I know children are cruel but that’s just borderline evil. Being the runt I was the target. Through the entirety of my school I was depressed, I made friends but it turned out that was just another joke, get close and humiliate me. That went on for half a decade. Through it all I had no reason to go on, yet I did. Some years pass and I’m a loner, I had 1 friend a friend I still have to this day. Start using narcotics to numb myself from the world, stop using after watching my crush overdose. I meet this girl and we start dating first time I experience happiness in about 10 years. First time I feel a reason to get up in the morning. GF was mentally abusive the whole time, I only realize that now that the bliss is worn off. That went on for 5 years, the happiest I’ve felt, but still suicidally depressed 90% of the time. By the time I turned 20 I had lost count of how many attempts of suicide I’ve made. Got dumped, sitting here writing this. Scars everywhere, well over half because of myself. Through my teenage years I got in fights a lot. I got held down, burned, cut, beaten and broken. I have 1 rib that hasn’t been broken and some with multiple fractures. Through this all I was able to hide it, from my teachers, from my parents, from everyone. College comes, I make a new friend. Today I’m in university, still have those 2 friends and am thankful for it. Every person around me feels fake. I have fewer happy moments than I care for, and right now I’m sick of it all, but I’m too much of a wimp and pushover to end it, so I know I wont. I always bitch out right before the end.

End of rant and opening up. Doubt it will ever happen again, and never with a name.

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