As of lately I haven’t written much. Been a rather busy time with tests and what not. It really isn’t helping that I’m drunk most of the time either.
A couple of days back I thought I’d beat this whole heartbreak crap but it turned out that was false. My dreams are nightmares or disappointments. Moments of joy that turn only to pain upon waking up. So I started drinking to try and numb it all, ended up in the hospital after drinking the equivalent of 3 bottles of vodka. Guess I’m going sober for a while now.
I went to a concert yesterday, which I’ll make a separate post about seeing as how it’s a 2 day thing.
Finals have just started so everything is now at an awful pace and I can’t seem to keep up. As I must though I’m trying to go day-by-day and my hopes of finding a reason for anything and everything have been crushed to the meaningless dust they truly are. So to sum up the past few days here’s a song that describes it near perfectly.
Another day of dull, this town is dead. All one can do here is drink or drive to nearby towns for concerts, and those are only once or twice a weak. I have friends coming soon a truly welcome change. I have some who are near me, but there are very few who are dear to me. Coming to think of it a grand total of 3, 2 friends, people who’ve always offered me a hand when I need it. The 3rd is her despite it all.
I quit my anti-depressants, I couldn’t take sleeping 14 hours a day any more. So I’m experiencing quite a bit of mood swings, it should prove interesting.
I wrote down some ideas for my short stories and as is now my norm I’ll post it here in raw unedited form.
We are but dust in the grand spectrum of the world, a particle. So in order to truly live we feel a need to create something bigger than ourselves, something permanent. Whether it’s martyrdom or a large family it’s always self-gratification. The need for existing past death, the same need that forced us to create gods. But now those creation pollute the mind and the idea has been twisted to serve the few instead of the many.
These were my thought of the day, as I thought how insignificant I am, how insignificant everyone is. That brought me to think of mythology, I was raised in a christian home, but I am an atheist that dispises all organized religions that seek monetary gain and/or misuse their followers, so naturally I hate the Icelandic governmental church. I really just needed to rant a little about religion.
I went to a concert yesterday, and today. Both of which were so bad that they do not deserve recognition. I’ve been feeling little to nothing, no dreams plague me and I honestly don’t know what’s worse, the pain or the numbness.
I’m starting to want a reason to live, I guess it’s progress.. I still feel alone, abandoned and unloved, but at least I feel something. I’ve been going over my rather large collection of personal writing. Some of which are quite weird and disturbing, some I will be sharing here in coming days, some I already have. Decided to give in to the nostalgia and listen to a song that was a favourite of mine years ago.
“and if you go I want to go with you, and if you die I want to die with you.”
I however mentioned things I wrote when I was younger. I wrote this during a rough patch with my ex, years ago now when I started to get tired of being in 2nd place in everything, this is dated at 11.09.2011 (DD/MM/YYYY):
I gave up everything you ever asked me to
Yet you say to my face that I don’t love you enough
How much do I need to sacrifice?
You don’t sacrifice for me.
If I had female friends you’d panic
yet if you talk to all guys I just shouldn’t give a shit
Your paranoid mind seems to eat at you
But sometimes you forget it eats at me to.
If I’d die it’d all be over
no more pain no more gain
nothing for you
If I’d die it’d all be over
What should I do? Sacrifice myself to you
Life’s been slowly getting a little better, a positive fact, but I can’t get ahead of myself so I must continue day-by-day.
Power over all, living and dead
dark lean and tall, all futures has read
The knight of fate, pale is the rider
in his eyes; no hate, the lonesome world strider
Let the sands fall
life slips by
The keeper follows his call
the noose I tie
The gallows so tall
As old as time
a force unmatched
keeper of time
end to all pain
never misses a chime
Circle of suffering
death to joy
an ode to pain
the end of life
a mistress profound
like none I’ve found
just silence, no sound
Used and torn
I remain alone
With the numbness
there is no-more
room for nothing
The cold vastness engulfs me
if feels familiar
Death to joy
life is drained
love has gone
no hope remains
The crimson flow
Life’s light fades
I now must go
the cutting blades
Ardent admirer of the macabre
enthralled by the darkness of death
Could truly be life’s joy robber
stealing people’s last breath.
Living day by day seems the only way for me to go on. Today was a bad day, I woke up with yearning, feeling alone and abandoned. I spent the entirety of my day alone, wallowing.
I went out last night and had a beer at a nearby pub, it was a fine reminder of why I hated it to begin with. It was also a good reminder of why I stopped drinking as much as I did 3 months back. I saw couple’s fighting and throwing themselves at strangers, saw drunkards fighting and overly persistent people doing what they do best, being bloody annoying. The most important thing I got from last night is, people still suck.
The hatred engulfs my being and I no longer hold a desire to continue my status. I dreamed of her again my mind wont accept what I know to be true, I will never have her again. I will never go through this pain again. I wish this day never dawned. I’m empty inside.